That sadness carves you empty 

Inside out, leaving only a shell 

That way nobody can see 

Then you are sad and also alone.

What will come, will come.
What will go, will go.

There is nothing we can do to stop them.

If we try, that balance is disrupted and harm will come our way to balance what we took, unentitled.

Private sadness

There is an emotion
tears cannot express-
voice empty, your heart beats madly

There is a grief
tears do not understand -
you want to use words but choke instead

There is a death
tears do not feel-
you mourn silently as it goes out

There is a silence
tears cannot break-
you feel everything but those tears

A sort of private poison,

***

Tears stained with their laughter,
victory and your defeat
He tells you, "Don't cry," but
why is that warmth and
that wetness, such relief?

Their gay voices dancing
in your head, round a bonfire
singing their tales of you
"Don't listen to them," he says,
when they sing the truth.

Sometimes I wonder:
what do they gain
by tearing you apart?
What do you gain
by tearing you apart?

You can defeat them but
each dawn, in equal proportion
hope and despair comes.
In life, there are no limits
and pain is no exception.

Sometimes when people speak to me, I hear what they don't say and it hurts me.

I hear the things they don't say and these things frighten me because there are people who would throw you under a bus for very little benefit to themselves.

They scare me because people are evil.

If you harbour hatred, resentment and bitterness in your heart, life will become a story of pain.

So this morning I was talking to my mom about the importance of mental health.

The point I wanted to put across was that if your mental health suffers, the people around you do too, so mental health is not a 'private' or 'personal' thing as traditional thinking would have you believe.

I recounted an instance when she abused me when I was very young. She has no recollection of the incident and accused me of making things up.

I could be upset, but I understood why she forgot.

Because at that time, she wasn't abusing me. She was just running from her demons.

It was something so instinctively connected to how she felt (anger), she only recalled the emotion but not the action.

Well, she got really upset and started yelling. I told her there was no need to get upset because I was only making a point about how mental health affects others more than you can imagine.

Then she told me she was ashamed.

It's only 9.30am. This is too much shit for 9.30am. I'm going back to sleep.

I think today's motto will be: I could be upset, but I won't.

Or: I could post this on Facebook, but I'm not looking for that kind of attention.

I dyed my hair (dark) pink again!

I forgot I had a blog!

Oops!

I have been told that I possess a quality known as humour.

I have been further informed that said humour is of the dry variety.

My question, naturally, is this - wtf is wet humour????

***

Ok no, that was not actually my question. 

I want to know where funny people get their humor from, how their brains work to make them so funny.

I don't think I am funny myself. I live in constant fear of people not getting my snarky references, that is the extent of it.

Being humorous requires a certain degree of creativity and lightning sharp neurological reflexes.

It fascinates me how some people can tell jokes that absolutely floor me. I really admire funny people!

***

I was not a person who was interested in telling jokes when I was younger. Not until I met J and loved her for her hilarious antics. 

Everybody loved her. I idolized her so much I began copying her sense of humor because I was such a loser with no identity back then huhuhu.

Once that started it never stopped. I did get better at it over the years, but sometimes when I say certain things a certain way I get reminded of J. 

"J probably would say this. It would be hilarious. I wonder if she's still as funny and cool now."

So even today, you are just witnessing my J impersonation. 

Which is okay, we are allowed to try to emulate our idols, right? 

Even though J later turned into that bully I always talk about, I still really admire her sense of humor.

So if you asked me where my humor came from, I'd tell you that sometimes I think, "What will J say in this situation?"

She's part of my identity.

Are we all made out of parts of everyone we meet in our lives? Or is it just me because I am a losercopycat?