Blogging for attention.

There are many things I seem to understand only for a fleeting moment.

There are many things I understand but do not know how to express.

There are many things I do not understand until I start writing and seeking to express what I don't understand.

So I write.

Some time ago somebody I knew said that I blogged for attention and that I blogged to whine. To him; as long as you post anything on the Internet you want people to read it and you want attention - admiration, pity, empathy and whatever it is that you are aiming to receive in return.

While I got very angry at those accusations, being the chronic navel-gazer I am,  I asked myself whether I really did it for attention.

I tried very hard to see my writings in that light; a part of me wanted to prove him true so that I could stop myself from doing so. I did not want to be someone who needed attention from others, even though I don't have anything against people who do.

If I wanted to make my blog palatable, it would contain a lot more pictures, less navel-gazing and be generally much more pleasant to read. Right now it is - and will remain - just walls of texts. No, just like the author I don't like, Haruki Murakami, I write purely to indulge myself.

I write to practice my valued skill in writing; I write to organise my thoughts and force myself to translate foggy thoughts into clear ideas; I write to understand myself because at any moment I feel so many emotions I end up not ever knowing what it is I feel and why.

I write to honour and remember notable emotions, memories and lessons I learned. I write to try and become a better person. I write to improve my clumsy English.

There are those who ask me why I don't write in a personal diary instead - it should not be assumed that I do not. I never run out of thoughts to write about and my diary is used to jot down those flashes of realisations that last only a second. It is for scribbling quasi-romantic one liners about my extremist views of the world. My diary is where I put the incoherent, messy, unintelligible (and unintelligent) thoughts that I shouldn't have.

My blog is where I try to put those ideas coherently and confidently.

I think this is the last post where I debunk accusations and clear up assumptions. I do not like doing these things because I really owe nobody explanations and neither do I have anything to prove.

I don't like to defend myself. I think being defensive makes one look very weak, makes one look like one's ideas could be deconstructed by a single statement made by a single imbecile.

I'm not on that level.

What I want in life

A lot of adults ask me what I want in life but are never satisfied with my answer.

Apparently the correct answer would be to *insert any lucrative occupation*.

Honestly, as long as I achieve what I want in life, I don't really care what I end up doing for a living. Life is not about money. Those who earn more spend more and those who earn less spend less. The sun rises and sets, the moon waxes and wanes; life goes on and people live, rich or poor.

People live and people die; they enjoy luxury and they suffer poverty but after having experienced either, I didn't feel any different. If you're not happy, you're not going to be happy either way and the same applies to happiness.

If you're sad in a Ferrarri, you're still sad. There is no difference.

We live our lives wanting to be accepted by others but most of these people can't even accept themselves.

What do I want in life?

I want to become unbreakable and radiant.
I want others to feel hope when they look at me.
I want to be kind and strong and unbreakable.

It matters not what I end up doing. To me this world is a transient thing anyway, as transient as the food that passes my gut and will be digested and removed tomorrow.

I want to live being honest to my feelings. I don't want to become those people who live life like frightened animals - basing every decision on a single fearful instinct to avoid pain; to avoid facing their own flaws and fear of having to acknowledge who they truly have become as people.

These people; I see them try to dispel their emotions by taking it out on other people and by becoming destructive.

I do not have the answers to the challenge of having been born human, but I would sooner let myself be broken apart over and over than to become a monster.

I just want to live and experience things. Is that an unacceptable expectation?
I want to be hurt and watch myself become stronger. I want to learn things and write about them.
I want to enjoy the weather on a good day. I want to laugh and cry and jump and dance.

No matter how painful a day has become, it doesn't change that the sun will rise regardless the morrow morn.

If something died today, something was also born.

We're all going to be just fine.

Navel gazing: Solitude

I don't hang out with people. I don't go to movies, I don't go to clubs or the beach. If I went out, I am usually alone. I tell myself that I don't really see the point or enjoy in doing all those things I listed. Sometimes it is true, sometimes it is not.

Perhaps, I don't allow myself to like or want the same things because I am afraid to live in the same world as them.

I constantly as myself- is that the only world? Do I choose to be alone because I'm afraid of this world? A quote written by Ayn Rand in The Fountainhead has always spoken to me.

"If I found a job, a project, an ideal or a person I wanted ----- I'd have to depend on the whole world. Everything has strings leading to everything else. We're all so tied up altogether. We're all in a net, the net is waiting, and, we're pushed into it by one single desire. You want a thing and it's precious to you. Do you know who is standing ready to tear it out of your hands? You can't know, it may be some so involved and so far away, but someone is ready, and you're afraid of them all. And you just cringe and crawl and you beg and you accept them ---- just so they'll let you keep it. And look at whom you come to accept."

It is true that every time I wanted something I got hurt. I am not proud to admit that this has lead me to give up on many things. Perhaps this is also the reason I constantly feel so detached from this world and and unable to keep up with the pace of life sometimes.

Am I running away? But I honestly have no interest in doing all these things. They don't enrich my mind and I constantly have to adjust to a social setting and talk to people about pointless, boring things. I don't want to gossip about people.  I don't want to exchange half assed and ignorant opinions on the latest hot topic. All these things are frivolous and do not matter to me.

I don't want to watch a movie that has no deeper meaning and have to experience these emotions and thoughts they are trying to force me to experience via Dolby Digital and surround sound. I want to think for myself. I don't like looking at and listening to stuff exploding. I like peace and quiet.

Talking to people is exhausting. Sometimes I think most people are just listening, waiting for any opportunity to dislike you. Others listen to what you say with only the intention to argue and impose their views. Some listen to find your weakness so that they feel less weak themselves.

It's a futile fight and I've nothing to prove. All these people waste my time.

Perhaps one of the contributors to my strange attitude is that I was bullied in the past. I no longer feel it necessary to divulge the details but to be rejected and ridiculed for very little reason at a vulnerable age may have moulded me to reject the world that I perceived to have rejected me.

I wonder how the rest of bullied children turned out. Are they living normal lives now or have they become recluses like me?

In any case, I do wish that those people who bullied me in the past have stopped their antics and are living fulfilling lives now. Lives so fulfilling that they realise the world is bigger than their backyard and narrow minds. I hope they have stopped hurting people for no good reason.

There ARE things that I like to do. I like having tea with good company. I like taking walks and wondering about the world with good company. I like creating things - writing, drawing, dancing, making trinkets.

I don't particularly feel that being part of a social circle would make me complete as a person, even though I really do wish to know enough people to play Cards Against Humanity.

Writing practice: Life ain't fair.

Saying "Life ain't fair." like it is your answer to the world is saying "Justice is irrelevant."

Just because it isn't going to be fair doe not mean we don't have to try our best and give it a good fight. I think "life ain't fair" is not, contrary to popular belief, a mature or adult thing to say.

Indeed, perhaps those who say it perceive themselves to have experienced more disappointments than they were prepared for and came to this defeatist conclusion. It is often said with a tinge of self-righteousness, from a person trying to imply that you have experienced less disappointments than they and they are mocking your wounded idealism.

The statement proposes that the 'mature' and more 'knowing' attitude is that where one is cynical and does not believe in fairness. Telling a young person this doesn't encourage them in any way; it instead pushes them to give up on hope and accept disappointments and ultimately, stop fighting.

Perhaps, if I took a less cynical view, this statement is a poor attempt to offer comfort? It doesn't make sense to me this way. How is telling me that I am going to be hurt as long as I am in this world going to relieve the pain of my disappointment now? Am I expected to numb my heart and that is your proposed solution?

I think dampening your hopes and idealism or expecting the worst from this world constantly in order to avoid getting hurt or disappointed is a far, far cry from strength. I think it is a sign of fear and running away from reality.

My proposition is an ironic one, because 'life ain't fair' is supposed to represent THE harsh reality of this world, right? It's supposed to be the opposite of the childish idealism we have learned, as a society, will come to an end one day. It is almost an accepted convention that 'reality' will smother it.

I have never once understood or accepted this. I have rejected this idea and I will continue to reject this idea. Why should 'reality' be a solid institution when we humans were the ones who collectively built it together? We built this world to serve us. We own reality. I don't understand why reality seems to have taken over and why we have become defeated by it.

No. I want to work hard and control my reality. I want to live in a world I like and want to live in. Reality should be a fluid concept. Anything built by so many people should be controlled by so many people.

Dismissing your disappointment is akin to sweeping an issue under the carpet; while it may smother it, its corpse will remain in your mind, and after a while, your world will become a junkyard for these old wounds. Perhaps this is the world of a cynic.

I have been told that inside every cynic is a disappointed idealist - while it is a lofty idea, I believe inside EVERYBODY is an idealist. It just depends on whether we want to listen to that idealist or whether we have killed him a long time ago.

But I disagree with a defeatist and cynical attitude. I think it is a sin to tell someone who has hope in his heart to give up just because you decided to defeatist about life. Who died and made you guru? We all have our own ways to deal with disappointments. Giving in, while being a popular choice, is not the only one.

I like another maxim - there is no fixed answer to life, just the same as how I dislike Math questions. Open ended answers means there isn't right or wrong. My interpretation of how to get anything done is 'keep trying'! I think if we do not give up or give in, we will find our own way of doing that thing we wanted to do.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

So stop suffering.