I don't hang out with people. I don't go to movies, I don't go to clubs or the beach. If I went out, I am usually alone. I tell myself that I don't really see the point or enjoy in doing all those things I listed. Sometimes it is true, sometimes it is not.
Perhaps, I don't allow myself to like or want the same things because I am afraid to live in the same world as them.
I constantly as myself- is that the only world? Do I choose to be alone because I'm afraid of this world? A quote written by Ayn Rand in The Fountainhead has always spoken to me.
"If I found a job, a project, an ideal or a person I wanted ----- I'd have to depend on the whole world. Everything has strings leading to everything else. We're all so tied up altogether. We're all in a net, the net is waiting, and, we're pushed into it by one single desire. You want a thing and it's precious to you. Do you know who is standing ready to tear it out of your hands? You can't know, it may be some so involved and so far away, but someone is ready, and you're afraid of them all. And you just cringe and crawl and you beg and you accept them ---- just so they'll let you keep it. And look at whom you come to accept."
It is true that every time I wanted something I got hurt. I am not proud to admit that this has lead me to give up on many things. Perhaps this is also the reason I constantly feel so detached from this world and and unable to keep up with the pace of life sometimes.
Am I running away? But I honestly have no interest in doing all these things. They don't enrich my mind and I constantly have to adjust to a social setting and talk to people about pointless, boring things. I don't want to gossip about people. I don't want to exchange half assed and ignorant opinions on the latest hot topic. All these things are frivolous and do not matter to me.
I don't want to watch a movie that has no deeper meaning and have to experience these emotions and thoughts they are trying to force me to experience via Dolby Digital and surround sound. I want to think for myself. I don't like looking at and listening to stuff exploding. I like peace and quiet.
Talking to people is exhausting. Sometimes I think most people are just listening, waiting for any opportunity to dislike you. Others listen to what you say with only the intention to argue and impose their views. Some listen to find your weakness so that they feel less weak themselves.
It's a futile fight and I've nothing to prove. All these people waste my time.
Perhaps one of the contributors to my strange attitude is that I was bullied in the past. I no longer feel it necessary to divulge the details but to be rejected and ridiculed for very little reason at a vulnerable age may have moulded me to reject the world that I perceived to have rejected me.
I wonder how the rest of bullied children turned out. Are they living normal lives now or have they become recluses like me?
In any case, I do wish that those people who bullied me in the past have stopped their antics and are living fulfilling lives now. Lives so fulfilling that they realise the world is bigger than their backyard and narrow minds. I hope they have stopped hurting people for no good reason.
There ARE things that I like to do. I like having tea with good company. I like taking walks and wondering about the world with good company. I like creating things - writing, drawing, dancing, making trinkets.
I don't particularly feel that being part of a social circle would make me complete as a person, even though I really do wish to know enough people to play Cards Against Humanity.
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