Blogging for attention.

There are many things I seem to understand only for a fleeting moment.

There are many things I understand but do not know how to express.

There are many things I do not understand until I start writing and seeking to express what I don't understand.

So I write.

Some time ago somebody I knew said that I blogged for attention and that I blogged to whine. To him; as long as you post anything on the Internet you want people to read it and you want attention - admiration, pity, empathy and whatever it is that you are aiming to receive in return.

While I got very angry at those accusations, being the chronic navel-gazer I am,  I asked myself whether I really did it for attention.

I tried very hard to see my writings in that light; a part of me wanted to prove him true so that I could stop myself from doing so. I did not want to be someone who needed attention from others, even though I don't have anything against people who do.

If I wanted to make my blog palatable, it would contain a lot more pictures, less navel-gazing and be generally much more pleasant to read. Right now it is - and will remain - just walls of texts. No, just like the author I don't like, Haruki Murakami, I write purely to indulge myself.

I write to practice my valued skill in writing; I write to organise my thoughts and force myself to translate foggy thoughts into clear ideas; I write to understand myself because at any moment I feel so many emotions I end up not ever knowing what it is I feel and why.

I write to honour and remember notable emotions, memories and lessons I learned. I write to try and become a better person. I write to improve my clumsy English.

There are those who ask me why I don't write in a personal diary instead - it should not be assumed that I do not. I never run out of thoughts to write about and my diary is used to jot down those flashes of realisations that last only a second. It is for scribbling quasi-romantic one liners about my extremist views of the world. My diary is where I put the incoherent, messy, unintelligible (and unintelligent) thoughts that I shouldn't have.

My blog is where I try to put those ideas coherently and confidently.

I think this is the last post where I debunk accusations and clear up assumptions. I do not like doing these things because I really owe nobody explanations and neither do I have anything to prove.

I don't like to defend myself. I think being defensive makes one look very weak, makes one look like one's ideas could be deconstructed by a single statement made by a single imbecile.

I'm not on that level.